i was rollin on her like bob the builder
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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