so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
