Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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