She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
