hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
