So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
