My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
