My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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