i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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