I take back everything I said about communal showers
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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