I haven't been this sober since birth.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
