fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
