she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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