You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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