and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
