You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
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