if i can run in heels then i can drive
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
