Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize