so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Two words: blizzard sex
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize