Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
