i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
