i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
