did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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