FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
