WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
