your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
babies were throwing up all over the place
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
