dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
