i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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