I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
