my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize