I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
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