I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
