Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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