I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
