I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
