im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
