The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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