i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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