I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
