my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
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