He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize