Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
please come you make the beer taste better
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
