I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
