He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm like, not good at living.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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