i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
