either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
