I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
