The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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