one might say we're banned from that church
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
