my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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