one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
