if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
