My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
