is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
