you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Randomize