I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
