I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
