I will die if light touches me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
